Severus Snape's Diary
by Crystalline Temptress
Summary: This is A Series of Most Unfortunate Events as Written by None Other than Professor Severus Snape, Ex-Death Eater, Current Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Antagonist Extraordinaire. Enjoy.


"A Series of Most Unfortunate Events as Written by None Other Than Professor Severus Snape, Ex-Death Eater, Current Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Antagonist Extraordinaire"  
otherwise known as  
"Severus Snape's Diary"  
By the Crystalline Temptress

Disclaimer: I do not own _Harry Potter_. Neither do I own _Bridget Jones' Diary_. I don't _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ either, much as I'd want to.  
A/N: This is a parodistical piece that fuses all humorous aspects of _Bridget Jones' Diary, A Series of Unfortunate Events_, and of course, _Harry Potter_. Inspiration was derived from a chain letter e-mailed to me half a lifetime ago (a parody of _Lord of the Rings_--all of the characters' lives written Bridget Jones style). This is still unedited as well, so please pardon any mistakes.  
This has a bit of slash in it. If that isn't your cup of tea, feel free to forego this fic. And this has quite a bit of OOC-ness too.  
This fic was not meant to offend anyone in any way. I apologize beforehand to those who might find this fic revolting; this was just an attempt to do a parody. No harm was intended.

-----

Day 1  
Had first day of school today. Had first subject Potions class with a horde of first year Hufflepuffs dunderheads. Did my "Bottle Fame, Brew Glory, Stopper Death" speech for the 20th year now. (Am getting old.) Successfully unnevred my entire class.  
Classes terrorized: 7. Good.

Day 2  
Issued detention to Castor and Pollux Howles, Ravenclaw twins who could give Gryffindors Fred and George Weasley a run for their money. Made them scrape the rat spleens off of the cauldron bottoms. Almost laughed gleefully when Pollux' wand (which I prohibited him from using) turned rat spleens into bubotuber pus but held myself back just in time.  
Classes terrorized: 10. Good.

Day 3  
Had Double Potions with seventh year Slytherins and Gryffindors. Wanted to pour Dissolving Potion on Harry Potter's head just to wipe off that look on his face. It looked too much like James Potter's own. Was strangely disgruntled when Potter placed arm around Hermione Granger's shoulders. Was strangely happy when Granger shook it away. I don't like PDA. It is too maudlin. Told myself that the entire Potions class.  
Classes terrorized: 9. Good.

Day 4  
Reread _The Complete Tome of Oriental Aphrodisiac Potions and Concoctions Made to Stimulate and to Shock (translated version)_ by Seq-sei Wanton in order to compare and contrast to _Potionse fore the Bodye ande fore the Sexuallye Voraciouse ande the Amorouse_ by Venus de Babylon. Asian potions use more herbs and organic things, while European mixtures are infused with more magic. I wonder which potions would be most effective. Must test this. On Sibyll Trelawney, perhaps? (I shudder at the thought.)  
Classes terrorized: All, but had no preformance all too shocking. Quite a disappointment, but was too busy thinking about aphrodisiacs to care. Not good at all.

Day 5  
Was confronted by Sibyll. Very frightening. Saw her lying on my bed, wearing horrible glittering lingerie that made her look like a Christmas ornament. She told me that she read my thoughts and knew "what I wanted to do to her." I wanted to vomit at that point. Told her that if she had such amazing mind reading skills, she would find that I thought the idea was _disgusting_. Woman left my room in a huff. I did not want to lie down on my bed at all. Slept on my couch that evening.  
Classes terrorized: Cannot remember number. Am too distraught over what happened.

Day 6  
Told horrible story of what I've dubbed as "Sibyll in Christmas Lingerie Dilemma" to Sirius Black, current Charms teacher. The man comforted me and gave a nice and soothing backrub. Am beginning to wonder if he is gay. Was most intrigued when he licked my ear. Will have to scrutinize the matter closely.

Day 7  
Am beginning to find Black strangely attractive. I most like it when he has that heated, mysterious look. He is very gorgeous when brooding. And when thinking too. Too bad the latter is done not too often; I am rarely able to see his sensuous pursed lips and furrowed forehead in thought. Am beginning to be a poet. Very frigtening.

Day 10  
Sorry I don't have any recent entries. Was too busy pining over Black and thinking how to be discreet.  
Was informed by Dumbledore that I may be next Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Very good.  
Classes terrorized: 7. Good.

Day 11  
Attended Potions Masters' convention today. (Missed one day of school. Good.) Was most skilled person there. Go me! 

Day 12  
Saw Potter caressing Weasley's knee under the table. Potter was either wiping the spilled potion off of Weasley's trouser leg or. . . . Well. Gods, is everyone in this book gay but me? Am not so sure about me, either. Will have to look into the matter more closely.  
Classes terrorized: 8. Good.

Day 13  
Ran into Granger in the Restricted Section of the library. Scolded her for being there in the first place. Was slightly embarrassed when she presented a slip from Black authorizing her to use the Restricted Section but hid being flustered quite well. Was surprised to see her holding _Potionse fore the Bodye ande fore the Sexuallye Voraciouse ande the Amorouse_. Girl told me that she was using it as a guide to create "stimulating" charms. Am now wondering if she has a liaison with Black. Am also wondering if I could do the same thing. _Que horror_!  
Classes terrorized: 11. Very good.

Day 14  
Asked Black if he was dating any student. Had Granger in mind. Was surprised to discover man he was dating Ginny Weasley. Hid my shock and abhorrence well.  
Classes terrorized: 6. Good enough.

Day 33  
Sorry for not writing sooner. Was kidnapped by Death Eaters. Cause: I was discovered as a spy for Dumbledore. Voldemort tortured me horribly. Used the Cruciatus Curse several times until I thought the fragments of my bones were shattering. Thought that it was hopeless, and that there was no hope at all. Was rescued by Dumbledore, McGonagall, Black, Potter (surprise), and Granger.

Day 34  
Was nursed back to health by Granger and Poppy. Strangely liked the parts when Granger took care of me. I hallucinated that I saw a flicker of emotion in her eyes. Was it pity, or something else? Hm. Will have to investigate more thoroughly.

Day 35  
Was left alone with Granger. She was doing her Transfiguration homework by the window of the hospital wing. We barely spoke to one another until the afternoon, when she asked if she could make me a cup of tea. I agreed. Drank tea quickly and scalded myself. Was painful, but at least it made me feel alive.

Day 37  
Asked Poppy if I could return to my room. Mediwitch answered yes, under the condition that I had a perpetual nursemaid. Dumbledore insisted that Granger "take care" of me. Am beginning to wonder if he knows about my suppressed desire for the girl. Will not utter a word to him and will watch myself more carefully. And truth be told, I am happy that Granger will be keeping me company.

Day 38  
First day of being in my room. Spent about eight hours of it alone until after school hours when Granger came to "nurse me back to health," as Dumbledore put it that morning when _he_ came to visit. Anyway, Granger fixed me some medicinal tea again, and did some Arithmancy homework by a lamp. Am wondering if she's doing homework to forget that she's in my presence. Will observe the matter.

Day 39  
Was visited by Black. Highlight of the visit was when I said that maybe it would've been better if I had died (I was being sarcastic) and Black gave me one of those partly sharp looks colored with desire. Breath actually hitched in my throat for the briefest of seconds. The moment was disrupted with Granger's unceremonious entrance. She blew in in a huff, her scarf a tangle about her head, with her Muggle Studies notes open on top of the stack of books she had. Was actually happy when she came.

Day 40  
Am beginning to bore of my condition. I am still unable to teach, but I'd sorely want to. I miss being in front of a class. Took out all my frustration on Granger by accident, who came for a visit. When she asked a question regarding her homework, I snapped at her. She was hurt and ruffled, as I could see, and she left in a rush. I cannot blame her for my rash behavior, and I plan to apologize as soon as possible.

Day 44  
Still no sign of Granger. She hasn't returned since my temperamental outburst. Am beginning to fret somewhat. Dumbledore told me not to worry, but I worry anyway. Am also thinking about my strange need to apologize. Have never felt this way before.

Day 45  
McGonagall came for a visit. She apologized for her busy schedule and her only free time being then. I dismissed it more carelessly than I really felt. We talked about a million things. Eventually, the topic drifted to our students. McGonagall told me about Hermione's brilliant progress. Am strangely proud of her. Later on found that I admired Granger's mind. Her sharp wit and keen intellect were rare things in people her age. I said as much to McGonagall, and she said that she agreed, but she was startled that I was freely praising a Gryffindor. Was caught somewhat. Will have to guard myself more closely. Question is . . . guard from what?

Day 49  
Granger came to my private quarters tonight. She apologized for haggling me when she knew I needed rest. I was surprised that she apologized instead of me. I offered my own apology. And I found that I loved it when she smiled at me. It was a very lovely feeling, which I was not accustomed to. Perhaps I should try feeling that way more often. Question is . . . what feeling was that exactly?

Day 50  
Started teaching again today. Had a perfectly fine day. It was rather slow, but then, I don't think that I could've coped with a fast day at the time. Am still drinking that medicinal tea, but am now brewing it myself, as I've been since Granger and I had that "fight" of sorts. Somehow, the tea doesn't taste as good when I make it.  
Classes terrorized: None. Which isn't bad at all right now.

Day 53  
Have been having a pleasant week so far. Teaching is easy and relaxed, although I still terrorize my classes. I am glad to be working again.  
Classes terrorized: 9. Good.

Day 57  
Was called by the Dark Lord today. Dark Mark burned, scorching my skin. It was horrible. Coward that I was, I did not go to see him. The Dark Mark is now throbbing slightly, but the pain has abated, and I am well enough to record my thoughts.

Day 59  
The Dark Mark continues to burn, a slow and steady fire that seems to eat me up. I have not said a word about it to anyone, but Dumbledore seems to have noticed, and so has Granger.

Day 60  
Was confronted by Dumbledore and Granger. Granger said that she researched on my condition and that she had a theory that Voldemort might have used the connection of the Dark Mark to cast a curse upon me. It made me feel horrible to know that, and it made me feel even more horrible to know that no one's thought of a way to banish the Dark Mark. Perhaps I am approaching my death. I wish I could laugh at my folly, turning to the Dark Lord just because of my insecurities as an adolescent. But I can't, because that folly will now cause me my life. . . .

Day 62  
Am slowly wasting away. I barely have enough energy to write. I see things that are not there, and I hear whispers of what might be fragments of past conversations. I am surprised that I can even record this now, as I lie in my death bed.

Day 65  
Condition worsening day by day. Was scolded by Granger for giving up. Told her that I had nothing left to fight for. Strange girl cried and ran out of the room. I felt terrible because I felt guilty, and I felt strange because I felt guilty. I have no more strength for this. . . .

Day 99  
Am surprised that I am even alive. I fell into a deep sleep, while all of my internal organs were ruptured by the curse. Just as I was at the brink of death (this was about five days ago), Granger and Dumbledore came up with a plan. Through my Dark Mark, she used Harry's wand to cast the _Priori Incantatem_, which made the curse backfire on Voldemort. It ate him up. Dumbledore added an extra spell through the connection--_Descensus_ _Averni_. The _Descensus Averni_ is a spell that takes in all magic within a certain parameter (somewhat like a black hole). Voldemort was drawn into it, his existence eaten up. It was dangerous, because I could've gone with him, being the gateway, but Dumbledore made sure that his parameters excluded me.  
Voldemort is still probably alive, but Dumbledore says he will not bother me any longer. I do hope so.  
My Dark Mark was sucked out by the force of the _Descensus Averni_, and the connection was broken. The mark is gone.  
I remember vaguely what it felt like to be the gateway. It felt like emptiness and fullness all at once. Odd feeling.  
I will sleep now. . . .

Day 103  
Woke up this morning to Granger serving me that medicinal tea of hers. I drank it. It tasted just as good as I remembered it to be. I thanked her for saving my life (maudlin as that sounds), and she accepted it in silence. We drank our tea together and watched the sunrise out my window. I don't ever remember being able to watch a sunrise.

Day 105  
Granger asked me today why I kept on calling her by her last name. I told her that it was only right, as to observe formality. She insisted that I call her Hermione. I agreed.

Day 106  
Black came to visit again. Thankfully, I felt nothing odd when we conversed. Granger came in too. Black left. Hermione took his place by my bedside and gave me some more of the tea. We sat in comfortable silence once more, this time watching the sunset.

Day 107  
I asked Dumbledore if I could teach again. He told me to take a week's worth of extra rest first. I agreed.  
Hermione visited once again. I asked her where her friends were, and she told me that they understood her comings and goings. I thought to myself that I didn't. I asked her, and it was something of an awkward moment. She looked so vulnerable then that I leaned forward and kissed her. She tasted like cinnamon and oranges. Gods, why did I do that? She looked horrified afterwards, and she fled with a hasty goodbye. 

Day 108  
Hermione came back, surprisingly. I apologized. She said that it was alright. And she kissed me back.

Day 110  
I am now better. Hermione and I do not talk about what happened (a kiss, nothing more than that). She and I spend much more time together, though, reading Muggle poetry and talking about school. I daresay that I've gotten used to her company.

Day 114  
Am now teaching again. This is not a happy ending, of course; it is but a new beginning. I am free of Voldemort's clutches as of the moment, and I am free of sickness, whether magically induced or natural. I feel contented, which is odd. But I don't mind in the least. Hermione still hasn't mentioned anything, and neither have I, but there seems to be an unspoken agreement between us. She _is_, after all, in seventh year. She'll be graduating in a few months. I heard that there will be a new Arithmancy opening next year, since Vector has decided to retire. . . .  
There is no "happily ever after," miserable as that might be, but nevertheless, I am happy. Peculiar. Will have to think about that.  
Classes terrorized: 5. Good enough.

-----

A/N: The title _Potionse fore the Bodye ande fore the Sexuallye Voraciouse ande the Amorouse_ was inspired by _The Nice and Accurate Prophecies by Agnes Nutter_ in Neil Gaiman's _Good Omens_ (written with Terry Pratchett). Very interesting read, that one.   
The sequence of events somehow reminded me of _Like Shadows on the Winter Sky_ by Resmiranda, although this fic does not come close to the sheer excellence of that one. Several fics inspired this, and a few of them were _Pawn to Queen, Pawn to Queen in a Nutshell, Blank Slate,_ and _Pygmalion_.  
Idea for the _Descensus Averni_ came from _The Gate of Idramm_ in _The Song of the Lioness Quartet_ by Tamora Pierce.


End file.
